walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
