I just pynch a tree in the face
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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