I'm so fucking centered right now
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
