Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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