If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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