My friends, they love my intelligence
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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