Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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