So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
