My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Randomize
