She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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