Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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