When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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