Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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