I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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