my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
