Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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