please come you make the beer taste better
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
