I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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