Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
