Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
