So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
