I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
