dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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