Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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