WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
