I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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