I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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