well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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