dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
