i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
