why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
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