My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
