theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
