i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
You made out with two different species that night
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
