walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
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