Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
