May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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