Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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