if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Randomize
