I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
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