Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
