I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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