You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Randomize
