Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Randomize
