Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
