i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
