Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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