So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
