I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
