Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
We named our party play list daddy issues
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
