Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I want to fling myself into the sun
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
