My underwear smells like fireworks.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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